Personal is personal

write about meIn the midst of giving the project final touches and sending off one of my closest friends here in Sweden, I received an email regarding the interview I went to some weeks ago. Putting it nicely, I am fucking disappointed at myself because I didn’t get the internship scholarship. This is probably not the best news for the holidays for me but I had a bad feeling about this the entire week, still, a little sparkle of hope inside remained and that is what is giving me a hard time at the moment. Knowing that this post is going to be super personal, I don’t ask you to read it, I just need to let the feelings flow and express myself with what I know the best – written words.

Some years ago I had a personal blog for these things, and then I suddenly didn’t need the outlet in terms of a blog to express my feelings. I guess I lost myself somewhere and with that, my ability to write. For the past few months, I have felt like something had changed. Maybe its the change of scenery or the culture, or the fact that I don’t depend on my parents nor does my mom hassle me about being in front of the computer all the time. Actually, it really doesn’t matter. This missed opportunity to enhance my career/future was a sign of hope for me, myself and I – now it is gone and I’m lost again. I know that I still have many things in front of me, the fact that I have to go for an internship is still there but I have to stay inside the boarders of Europe to do so. I’m not going  to the States, not next year at least and it hurts.

With that single sentence that stated what I had been afraid of, I started to think about so many things. Have you ever had that moment where thoughts seem to be chaotically rushing into your head and they have no apparent connection to the problem right in front of you? This is what I felt like, in a second I just wanted to re-write all my plans and re-arrange my future completely just because I had one setback! I know this isn’t the way to live, there are success stories of people that start with rejection after rejection, I mean, J.K. Rowling went from publisher to publisher with Harry Potter and look where she is now. Yet, I bet I know how she felt: not good enough. That feeling is present in my life way too often these days with various other personal problems but now as my academical hopes feel “not good enough” everything feels much worse.

Ironic though, my life outside this blog has almost nothing to do with movies except the fact that I watch them. My career is not connected to it, my 5-year-plan is not related to pursuing something movie/writing related, yet this is what I enjoy and love the most. I guess at some point I missed the train of studying something related to movies and I was too lazy to get on it after I was smart enough to know what I actually want. Don’t get me wrong, I like what I study but it doesn’t have that passion that I put here. Some of this passion is because of people who visit my blog and comment, none of those people are my actual friends but people I’ve never met and its funny how just a name can push you to become better at something. Is it too late to change everything I’ve worked for? Probably not, but nowadays everybody seems to be radical and cynical about big dreams and I believe them.

Once I wanted to be a screenwriter, or just simply a writer who eventually writes her novel into a script. Writing. Oh how I miss it and what a sad story it is for me with loosing the ability to place words in order of consistency in my own language! Estonian, my mother tongue, is a small language and I’ve never been good at it, the grammar is lazy, the punctuation is always in the wrong place and the audience of your work is pressed into a small country of less than 1,3 million possible readers. I guess I think too much, I guess sometimes I need the recognition more than I have skills to write something meaningful, I guess I’m approaching it all from a wrong angle. Then, when I think about it, the loss of hope of ever actually being the person I want to be takes over.

I know there’s still have time – until it’s too late. At the moment, I’m just being sad and hoping that I will find that string of inspiration to keep things moving and not forget that everything happens for a reason. Even though it seems like the most ridiculous thing to say at the moment, I do think that me not getting something is leading me towards getting something else that I’m not expecting. Or I just have seen too many movies and read too many books which have created this illusion for me. What ever it is, I’m glad I get to share a piece of it with you and I promise, no more personal ramblings that have nothing to do with movies. Though, this all sounds like a cliché teenage drama about a lost girl trying to figure out her future – all I need is Ryan Gosling to rescue me from a fire and Joseph Gordon-Levitt to recommend me books while I recover before I make the life altering choice between them two that will make the audience shed a couple of tears.

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16 thoughts on “Personal is personal”

  1. Shame you didn’t get it, but there are lots of opportunities and I’m sure you’ll find them. I’ve been on an assignment with one company for a lot of years and recently heard they had to let me go. Now I’m not worried as the company I work for will find me another assignment, but it’s still uncertain times and going to intake interviews is something I’m not looking forward to, although I feel comfortable doing them. As for work having nothing to do with movies, the same goes for me, but spending so much time watching and writing about them does give a lot of joy and fulfillment. Some people want to reach the highest peaks when it comes to their career, personally I’m happy that I earn enough money to do what I want, so I’m not complaining. Hope you’ll find your inspiration! Plus it is never too late to do something new or different.

    1. Thanks! I would like to have that joy in terms of being happy with what I have and where I am but I guess I still have time regarding my career. At 23 not much of a career building for me so far.. still, hopefully I will end up where I’ll be content.

        1. Best years are still to come.. as I’ve heard. Plus, my dad started a company in his late 30’s so, life can change when ever with what ever.

  2. Don’t worry about it. I’ve had this as well and in the last few years, I’ve failed over and over again. My blog is where I find my absolute happiness because it makes me do what I love and am passionate about. It makes me want to have better things happen in life. Everyone here may not be actual friends in your life but we are all part of a beautiful supportive blogosphere.

    It sucks that you didn’t get the internship but somewhere down the road, things will happen in your favour. If you want to change where your path leads, its never too late. One of my friends decided to pursue her dream of being an author at 30 and her passion drives me to consider something more fit for me right now also. What I do now is far from what I’m passionate about, its completely on the lines of choosing it due to the realistic choice. Maybe one day, I’ll find the courage to move out of this stable comfort zone and thrive for something I’m passionate about.

    Some of us just have some bumps in the road before we get where we want. You’ll find what you want to do whether its sticking with what you’re studying now or moving in another direction.

    1. Interesting you mention comfort, I think in terms, security in form of money is what I’m afraid of. I have to pay my bills, I can’t chase dreams and me reckless. Thank you for the nice post and reassuring me that things happen for a reason!

      1. Money is the reason a lot of people do what they do. It takes a lot of courage to give up that form of luxury or the time to get to a place where you can afford to be comfortable and the do the things you love. Thats the main reason I’m still at a job and not have an actual career. If you know what I mean…

        1. I get it.. still don’t have a job though but I don’t want a job I will start to hate when I’m old so.. a bit confused at the moment of where I’m heading.

  3. Let me tell you a story
    Once there was a boy who loved films. He hated school, spending his days dreaming about becoming the new Hitchcock while his teachers did their best to crush his dreams. After school he went to college and studied film-making, loving every minute of it, sometimes staying in college overnight, editing his short films, forgetting to eat, feeding off the trill of seeing his dreams whirl through cogs at 24 frames per second. He enjoyed this life until 3 years later he was cast out into the big bad world. The boy had an idea for a feature film knocking around so decided to knuckle down and write it. He was proud when he finished it but after a year trying to get it made, he cast it aside along with his dreams. His friends were enjoying life, able to go out at weekends while he stayed at home, broke. It was time to get a job, he thought, and so he did. He took a job and held it for ten years, growing to despise it more with each new morning’s alarm. One day he was called to an employee meeting and told there would be cutbacks. He was offered voluntary redundancy and jumped at the chance. For the first few months he loafed around, enjoying not having to rise early each morning. Then he remembered how much he once loved writing. A blog he had set up a couple of years prior suddenly became the focus of his attention, beckoning him like an ex-lover offering a second chance. He would focus on that blog, combining his love of movies with his passion for writing. A year later he was attending press screenings, sitting alongside his country’s most respected film writers and ‘waffling’ with them about a shared love of cinema. When he saw an advertisement for a journalist in a local paper he applied, thinking he had no realistic chance. Interviews always terrified him, but this one was different. The paper’s editor was a reader of his blog! It was the easiest interview of his life! Now, he was a fully-fledged professional writer, being paid (admittedly not a huge amount) to talk about movies. Sixteen months previous he had been living comfortably but working in a job he hated. Now, he wasn’t doing so well financially but he was making his living doing two things he loved, writing and DJing. He recalled how, as a younger man, he laughed when people told him to follow his dreams.
    You have to ask yourself, do you want to make money or do you want to follow your dreams? The two rarely go hand in hand.

    1. I have a feeling this story is not fiction.. and thank you for this.. It really puts things in perspective when people share their stories with me. And no, I don’t really aspire for big paychecks, I tend to be the “do what you love” type of girl but it’s difficult sometimes since.. you still have to pay the bills.

  4. Hi Mettel, I haven’t really commented here before but I can identify with your situation.

    I’m 21 and I graduated in July with a Film degree. I’ve been working in retail for 2 years. At the end of November I was given a full-time job to write reviews for a student website. It sounded too good to be true but I blindly quit my job and went along the next Monday. I bought some fancy new shoes, a new outfit and told my excited parents that I finally had a ‘proper job’.

    It turns out it was too good to be true. The job was advertised as an ‘editor’ but I spent the 45 hour working week answering phone calls and doing menial secretary jobs for the boss who was barely in the office.
    When I confronted them about writing and when I’d get round to doing journalism, I was brushed aside and asked to ‘phone so and so for an appointment’ and ‘change the coding of that page’. I was also lied to about many things, but I won’t go into that.

    In the end, even though it hurt my pride, I had to leave. The job was getting me nowhere. I would’ve been on a good wage but it killed me, sitting at an office desk with my creativity going to waste. Now I’m back at square one, back at the retail job as it’s paying the bills. The fancy shoes are back in their box. I also have no inspiration anymore, aside from my blog, which is increasingly harder to update as money is an issue.

    So although our situations are different, I can understand your frustrations and fears. I don’t really have any advice as I’m struggling myself but hopefully my story helps you realise you’re not alone.

    1. Thank you so much for sharing! I guess everybody has their stories and those success ones are rare to come by. But hopefully people will end up doing what they love doing the most.. as will you.

  5. I guess there are too many of us in the same situation… dreaming of pursuing what we truly love and finding ourselves being pushed down the opposite path… even if we’re the ones pushing.

    I understand how hard it is to suddenly shift gears when we have responsibilities. When the risk is too high. I’m studying law and I don’t like it at all, but what’s the alternative? Nothing good enough, where I live. At times I believe that delaying my dreams is the right thing to do, but it’s a strange and difficult thing to do…

    Anyway, I’m sorry you didn’t get the internship, but you’re right in keeping a positive attitude. Something good will come, it always does. J.K. Rowling is a great example, the important thing is to not give up, and keep believing in yourself. You have faithful readers who are always eager to read your opinion, and that is certainly motivating.

    and if we don’t talk again till then, Happy New Year — I’m sure 2013 will be a year filled with opportunities and happiness (and hard work!).

    1. Thank you so much! I truly believe that as well, since now school is on hiatus I have been able to do my blog stuff and enjoying every bit of it. Even thinking about starting a new blog, a bit of a lifestyle one but it’s a running thought. I’ve tried to do one similar before but have failed, I don’t want to start badly so I’m no planning ahead a lot. Though I think my mistake is being and doing it in English, though Estonian blog culture isn’t as developed as it could be…. so I’m thinking of what language to pursue as well.

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