Fifty Shades Darker (2017)

“Watch the sequel, you know you want to!!

“I don’t think we should continue with this relationship, honestly, I almost didn’t make it out alive the last time!”

“No, it will be different this time.”

“But last time, I really hated you, like, you made me feel very bad about myself and you were getting off on making me cringe in pain and all that awfulness on screen. We won’t work!”

“But I need you to watch me! I have beards now! I have two stalkers! I’ll show some man-ass, you’ll love it! I swear, watch me!!”

“Alright… but no funny business this time! You will be better, and more mature and you won’t make me cry in pain because seriously, Fifty Shades, last time, I was crying because you were spanking me in all the wrong ways…”

“I promise, I’ll change, I’ll be better.. I promise!”

…5 minutes into the movie…

“OH CAMON!!!!”

Continue reading “Fifty Shades Darker (2017)”

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How To Be Single (2016)

how to be singleAgainst my better judgment, I went to see How To Be Single the other week. Eventually I ended up mildly enjoying myself, while expecting to hate it. And though Dakota Johnson still can’t act, and the plot was vaguely familiar from every other romantic comedy out there, How To Be Single was not flat out bad.

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Fifty Shades of Grey (2015)

Fifty Shades of Grey

You can’t spoil this beyond itself with spoilers.

The most ironic thing about the Fifty Shades of Grey movie is that while it tries to portray a domination / submissive relationship like it has never been shown before, it will most likely have a far more better porn parody available soon on a computer near you.

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